Sushi Rules

     It always feels this way. You always tell yourself that you won’t do this the next time, but always forget before you arrive. That great discomfort in your lower belly can be attributed to lack of discipline. You fill up on things that don’t get you your money’s worth and you walk away like bloated whale, bursting at the gills. If you follow the rules of the buffet, you will have a more enjoyable experience and leave satisfied with everything. No matter where you choose to dine, the same rules and strategies apply.

     You have visited many buffets before in your life but your first experience with all-you-can-eat sushi is as a quant little place called New Island. The anticipation of stuffing as much fish and rice and vegetables into your mouth makes you quiver as you step out of your car and towards the small sushi joint.

     When you first walk in, the antechamber of the restaurant hits you with a soft waft of fish and rice. Two twenty-five cent candy dispensers are crammed right next to the door, forcing all patrons to rush through. The carpets are old and worn down from anxious feet rushing overtop. The waiting area of the restaurant holds a much more appetizing scene. A fish tank, full of vacant water, stands against a bare wall in front of the cash register, making you wonder where the fish are. Soft plastic covers two benches for parties to wait until tables open up. A small oriental woman dressed in black steps forward to ask how many are dining. Two.

     She guides us to the table and the rest of the restaurant is visible. Many tables with red plastic covered booths are woven throughout the floor, like the twists and turns of an anthill. Above each is a light peeking out of a red paper decorative orb. You sit and notice the kitchen area. The kitchen is an open area with a glass case displaying layers of tuna, eel, salmon, red snapper, shrimp and cucumber, avocado, seaweed, and carrots, a barricade for three chefs who prepare all the dishes. Your stomach gives a small yelp of pleasure, anxiously awaiting all of the treats to be ingested.

     The waitress sets chopsticks, little plates, and two menus and a black crayon in front of us. The little plates have small dobbs of wasabi and a cluster of pickled ginger for use when the real meal begins. We decline the green tea they offer every visit. The scent is full of images of Chinese villages and landscapes. We decide to stick with water. Water is always the best choice. Soda fills your stomach with air and the sugar will only make you thirstier. Keep in mind the kind of food that you will be dining on. Especially at a sushi buffet, drinking too much causes the rice to absorb the liquid and swell. This permits less space for more sushi. The only time you need to drink is to rinse your mouth clean of the rice and fish that sticks to your teeth.

     The menu is a black one page bible, laminated and folded into thirds, full of little pictures of Asian delights to give explanation to lines of food titles that are mostly uncommon to non-regular sushi eaters sits before us on the table. Beside each title is a little box where you indicate the quantity of each item you desire. You pick up the crayon, its hard and smooth in your hand. With your elbows trap down the two side panels of the menu, with your left hand, skim the lines of items searching for the sushi that you desire, and with your right hand use the crayon to write the desired number of each item. As you scan you see words like California Roll, Unagi, a piece of bbq eel overtop of a small bundle of rice, White Snapper, Tamagi, and Smoked Salmon. A lot of these items scare you but don’t be afraid to try new things. The further down you read, after the Nigiri rolls is the chapter of the sacred Maki rolls, Spicy Tuna, Dynamite, and Rainbow, a roll with avocado and shrimp inside with strips of salmon, tuna, avocado, and shrimp on the outside of the rice. On the third page more common names are found, Teriyaki Chicken, Sweet and Sour Pork, Tempura Shrimp: familiar things found at an oriental buffet.

     When you choose items to dine on, you need to consider certain pros and cons. Meats and proteins are where you eat your money. Avoid things like starches, breads, and vegetables because they are inexpensive and fill you up quickly. A sushi buffet is a double edge sword. Sushi involves a lot of rice and all-you-can-eat places put more rice in their buffet rolls to fill up the customer but the fish tastes so good. Therefore, when choosing rolls, the wise decision is to select rolls with many varieties of seafood. For example, the White Dragon Roll is a great selection because it is comprised of shrimp tempura, albacore tuna, cucumber avocado, and fried onions. In order to eat your money’s worth, stick to the meat. At a place like New Island, there are other great delights to be chosen in order to make the most of your money. All the teriyaki dishes, the tempura, and other fried offerings are great choices when you want a break from the rice and fish. Dim-sum items are available as well, which are great selections. After marking your menu with your first round selections, stand it up near the edge of your table for the waitress to collect and submit to the chefs.

     To prepare your instruments remove the chopsticks from their paper case. Don’t throw it out rather fold it as per the instructions to form a stand for the chopsticks when you are waiting for more sushi to arrive. Break the chopsticks apart at the base and rub them against eat other as if trying to start a fire. This will smooth out the edges and make the transfer of sushi to mouth that much more enjoyable.

     Before long, waitresses begin arriving with little plates of teriyaki chicken and deep fried scallops. Soon the real treasure arrives, a large brilliantly white plate dotted with the planets of sushi arranged in clusters. Nigiri, or single piece sushi, arrives with the rice under a thin strip of fish. These huddle together like homeless dogs trying to keep warm in winter. Maki rolls, a big roll that is cut up into multiple pieces of sushi, form small dragons roving and ranging overtop of the plates. Where do you begin? Wherever you please. There really is no real way to go about eating, no best place to start. Eat whatever you want in whichever order. Remember to breathe. Remember to chew. As you clear dishes, waitresses will return to carry away plates, be courteous and stack dishes in a manageable way. Always thank them for their service.

     You feel a slight pressure in your stomach after making your way through eight pieces of sweet and smoky taste of Unagi and two gloriously constructed White Dragons Rolls, as well as everything else that you ordered the first round. That is simply the soft hug of happiness around your stomach. There is more room left than you think. Upon placing a second order be aware that the kitchen will purposefully forget to make some of the desired items, which is always so vexing. This reduces their cost because they are certain that you will not be able to eat all that you have ordered. This lack of faith in stomach capacity is a slap in the face but the taste of their product is too good to become offended over something so menial and childish. Also, do not drink any water. None. Don’t even look at the glass. You will be tempted to keep your mouth busy by putting things into it. Do not do it.

     Conversation with your table guest about the weather, news, sports, or other current events is useful to occupy the time as you wait. The waitresses arrive with more rolls and other deep fried goodies and the assembly line from table to mouth will continue. All unfinished items must be paid for, unless you brought some type of tupper ware to smuggle tools away in, a possible option if you are really jonesing for some rolls. If that is not the case, everything must be eaten before departing. Remember to breathe. Remember to chew.

     When the dishes have been cleared and you lean back to allow your stomach to expand to make room for the rice baby that is developing inside, the waitress will return to check if you want anything for dessert. At most sushi places there are various flavours of ice cream to partake of. Cleanse your pallet with some in order to remove the salty taste from your mouth as well as calm your stomach down. It is in for a long night. Also, if there is fruit available, fill up a small bowl or plate with melons and other fruits that contain high amounts of fibre, anything to help out your stomach.

     Do you feel it now? That pressure and pleasurable pain that testifies of the great triumph that you have just succeeded in? The sweet taste of sushi rice lines the walls and roof of your mouth. The salty taste of soy sauce will fade from your tongue in about a half hour. Running your tongue along your gums to excavate any left over fish bits produces a piece of tuna that was hiding. Don’t feel rushed to leave. There is no time limit. Just sit and breathe. Don’t fall asleep; they don’t appreciate that. My brother once suggested sushi buffets need little beds or cots to go take naps on before starting another round of fish and rice. Sounds lovely. No, don’t laugh it will only upset the cemetery of fish buried under rice inside of your tummy. If you feel like repeating again soon that means you have followed the rules of the buffet. Congratulations. If you are groaning and moaning as you walk out to the car, remember to breathe, remember to chew.

     When paying, don’t feel too obliged to tip. The waitresses don’t really do anything besides carry the plates to your table and pick them up when their fishy offerings have been devoured. I tend to tip two to three dollars. Take a mint and waddle out the door.

     The art of buffet eating is one that has existed for ages. Throughout time rules and regulations have become unwritten but passed down among those who wish to perpetuate the skill of eating copious amounts of food for small amounts of money.